Floriferous Ideas: Write Like No One Is Reading #1

Because it is most likely that no one actually is reading...

I am told quite frequently that I need to be kinder to myself, go easier on myself and that I am my own worst enemy…The issue is, I still feel that there are so many things that I should know or should have achieved by now - so I made a list of all of my failures:

• To drive on the motorway - or just be confident driving anywhere new.

  I really dislike driving and my anxiousness about driving holds me back. I feel frustrated at myself because I know that I say no to things I would like to do or experience because I fear the drive.

• To enjoy alcohol -

  I do like a glass of red wine every now and then but rarely drink at home or at all if I’m honest. I never really enjoyed drinking or the taste of alcohol, I definitely pretended to a lot when I was younger. For me, the very worst part of drinking (aside from the total lack of control due to my very low tolerance!) is the the way I feel afterwards - I never, ever feel good mentally after drinking…anyone else?

• To have a baby -
  Is it societal pressure or a genuine feeling?

  It’s messy and hard to unpick.
  Do I actually want children or do I think I want children because that’s what it feels everyone around has decided to do?
  There have been days or times when wanting a family completely consumes me, my heart aches and I feel this sense of emptiness in my life, like a big black hole.

  Conversely there are days where I have felt immense relief that I don’t have children yet.

  Some days I feel the looming presence of an hourglass hanging over me…other days I have an afternoon bath, maybe a nap and i feel very smug about having the free time to do things for myself.

  Maybe it was just supposed to happen?

  Maybe I shouldn’t have spent the last 5 years over thinking it? Perhaps you can actually be too prepared.

• To be able to “Network” -

  I think the word itself makes me feel a little queasy…

  It just feels so forced.

  I often end up rambling…a lot. And feeling like an impostor. Worried about whether or not I’m talking too much or not talking enough.

  There is always someone thriving, laughing, holding court and absolutely loving it. I admire those people!

  Then there is me -normally pretending to be finding something in my bottomless tote bag hoping no one will approach me. Or being brave and attempting to join an already established conversation, quickly realising I’m out of my depth and doing my very best to Bridget Jones impression - “Do you knooowwee….where the toilets are?”

  …and quickly escaping to quite literally hide in a toilet cubicle.

• To not care what other people think -
  Urgh, this is a biggie for me.

  Why do I care so much about other people think of me?

  Am I that self obsessed?

  Is it narcissistic to wonder about people’s perceptions of you?

  If someone is upset, why do I immediately think is it something I have done? …Even if I haven’t actually even spoken to them.

  If I have had a meeting heavy/busy office day I get home and my brain is there ready to serve me a special “this is your life” dinner, inviting all of your favourite old friends: anxiety, regret, and comparison.

  Hi friends 👋🏻

  It’s a set menu - like the annoying ones restaurants make around Valentines Day…

  Main course -“ An everything you said today/ did today that was quite frankly mortifying pasta”

  Dessert - “A deconstructed anxiety tarte tatin served with a little but perfectly formed quenelle of homemade regret - over-things- I-cannot-change- sorbet”.

  It’s so easy to say you shouldn’t care or even pretend you don’t care about what others think of you…

  It’s so much harder to put into practice. In reality, everyone is too busy worrying about their own lives. We know this; but we will all have moments in spite of this, where we worry irrationally.

  But please, any advice on this is welcomed…

• An inability to hide my emotions better -
  It is written ALL over my face, I can’t hide it and I wish I could. My bitten nails, my lack of eye contact, shaking, nervous laughter, an inability to string a coherent sentence together.

  I want to curl up into a ball and hide so no one can read me.

  How do people artfully hide all of their inner workings? I know perhaps it’s not healthy but I really, really thought I would have cracked it by now. Alas I have not.

  I absorb the atmosphere of the people around me. I second guess how they may be feeling. I even imagine what I think they will be thinking.

  If I am feeling upset I cry.

  If I’m unhappy it’s fairly obvious it’s in my eyes.

  How do people hide this?!

  It seems to be a skill that everyone in leadership or influential have mastered, I can’t help but wonder, will I always be held back because of this?!

• My fear of flying - I want to travel, I adore travelling (and have been lucky enough to have traveled a little) I know that life is short and I want to see the world - it’s frustrating knowing that the only thing holding me back is well…me!

• My inability to master ‘packing light’ -

  To be honest, I don’t think this will ever change.

  The little creature comforts make me feel safe where ever I am. This normally means I have packed literally everything…I would pack my entire home into a suitcase if it was possible. That would be ideal, actually!

  Packing light has never been my strength and probably never will be…
  As a child I always carried around bag of what my grandad called Edie Bits - colouring crayons, toys, books etc. the bag was usually fit to burst and accompanied me everywhere.

  It was probably endearing and a little cute when I was 4 years old. I’m now 33. Well it’s not cute now, hun.

  I desperately envy women with their little weekend bags, striding through train stations and airports, looking glamorous, perfect hair, wearing a normal amount of beautifully styled clothing items - with their normal, reasonably sized baggage (probably containing their capsule wardrobes and minimal makeup routines…*sighs).

  It just looks so effortless…so convenient and laissez-faire. Like those exceptionally well dressed people who claim they just “threw their outfit together”

  OH REAAAALLY? Actually no, please tell me how you do this, really….?

  …and there is me. I’m usually seen out in the wild, lugging a suitcase I could probably fit myself inside along with my 3 rather well fed cats. I don’t just have one bag, oh no, I have a plethora various other, extra bag(s)…Most likely some sort of tote bag, terrible for my back and shoulders. Probably containing things that I will not need or use - that I have panic-stuffed into said bags in a last minute panic. I will be wearing as many items of clothing as physically possible, as there will be absolutely no space left in the over stuffed suitcase (and extra bags).

  In very stark comparison to the happy go lucky, minimalist packer - I will be found lugging my immensely heavy baggage around like i am Hercules and this is the 13th labour. I am hot, sweaty, haggard and probably slightly angry at the world…and myself.

  Perhaps I should accept I am who I am. Here I am along with my very obvious and ungodly amount of physical and emotional baggage aka “Edie Bits”

  Hi. It’s me, I’m the problem. 🫣

Here’s to hoping that I am in fact, not the only one who feels I should have these things figured out by now. Maybe that’s okay, as we are all a work in progress, right?!